It has been a little quiet here for a while. This is because my focus has been directed elsewhere.
It started with someone who said, “Vera, don’t stand here, you belong in the room over there, on the other side of the heavy oak door. You have been ready for that a long time and now it’s time to go in there”. What I know about room has been enticing and I have long been curious about how it would feel like being there. Much more was not needed to wake up the desire to go there.
The fact is, I have knocked on that door repeatedly without being let in, and then the concierge has said “if you just change this and that, you’ll get in.” Previously, I tried to change everything that seemed necessary.
Now, with the encouragement and support of others, with more personal experience and maturity, I was ready to make sure to get into the room. I started knocking politely and explained my intention when the concierge opened the door a bit. He shook his head, repeated all I had to change, and pulled the door again, but I was faster and got my foot between. Yeah that hurt, when my foot got squeezed. Then I tried to pull the door up, pushing me in, bump me past him. And I was doing it for a long time. But I did not come in.
I ended up crying on the floor in front of the closed door. Again.
Not at the price of denying myself
I did not want to make me normal to pass the door. Like it is possible to make yourself “normal”. Instead, I tried to push myself in this time, even though the concierge showed that only those who belong to the norm got round. Maybe you have experienced that too? That those who belong to the norm are let in to places you wished for, but not you.
One thing I discovered there on the floor, was that I’ve got used to being myself. As I am. Why would I squeeze myself into a standard template to enter that particular door? If there is a room where only normal fits maybe I should not be there? Or mabye that’s exactly what I should do? I do not usually give up, but it’s stupid to hit the head in the same wall too many times. So if or when I want to get into that room again, I might climb through the windows, finding a maple door or blasting holes in any wall.
There is a lot of here where I am
When I had taken care of my wounds for a while, I turned my back on the door. And with the back leaning towards the closed door, the perspective became different. I saw, the light from the high windows, the dust that danced in the sun rays, the shadow game over the parquet floor. I heard the voices from people I like and the stories who are gathered in this room. A room where I can be, without a requirement to fit into a standard template. Here are also more doors leading to other rooms.
In a Ted talk, illustrator Safwat Saleem describes how it is when you are not the norm people expect to get. How others have difficulty accepting, what is beyond the norm. That’s precisely why our voices need to be heard. For all of us to get used to, that other than the norm exists. I was both comforted and encouraged by the youtube clip. Listen!
So I gave you a break for a few months. It was not planned (I just made a lot of noise elsewhere) but I hope the break may have given you something. Time for reflection. Time for new acquaintances.
I’ve still got wounds to take care of, but I have planned for new episodes. My hope is that it will not be as long a break again, but I promise nothing. The healing may take the time it takes.
Until we meet next time – take care!
Link to inspirational, comforting and uplifting clips:
Safwat Saleem: Why I keep talking up, even when people mock my accent